Recovery Wisdom
“There is enough, we’re enough, and all we need will come to us.”
—Melody Beattie, Licensed Counselor and author
12 step literature and meetings are packed with maxims, aphorisms, and idioms, many of which can be applied to everyday life, not just addiction. Here are some of my favorites:
“When you point one finger, there are three fingers pointing back to you.”
This speaks to projection: the act of unconsciously identifying in others parts of ourselves that we may not like. This behavior serves as a defense mechanism: transferring undesirable emotions onto others is often simpler than engaging in self-reflection and confronting one’s own feelings.
“You can’t buy milk at a hardware store.”
We are creatures of habit and may develop patterns of behavior that don’t serve us. Perhaps we keep going back to the same destructive relationship or looking for validation from somebody who will never give it to us. It’s an empty well. We’d get more value out of banging our heads against a brick wall.
“The only way out is through.”
While the goal is always to be in touch with compassion for ourselves and those around us, it’s likely to be cognitive or theoretical compassion, rather than embodied, energizing, felt compassion, until we have allowed ourselves to process the sadness and anger that may be jumbled together with it. For instance, we may have cognitive awareness that someone who did us harm were themselves suffering; to access true compassion for them, we have to first acknowledge - and feel - the harmful effects of those actions. The same can be said of forgiveness: we hold ourselves prisoners until we stop avoiding the underlying emotions; doing so leads to acceptance and freedom. Variants to this quote are “the way out is in” (Thích Nhất Hạnh) and that healing “is an inside job.”
“Just another bozo on the bus.”
A lot of people who seek therapy were the “golden child” or the “scapegoat” in their family of origin. They took this into adulthood, often taking on the same roles in various systems to which they belong, including friendship groups and the workplace. In some cases, they try to be more than human and in other cases less than human. Either way, the message that they are “special” or “the problem” isn’t serving them. Much better to be connected to the pack – just another bozo on the bus.
“First thought wrong.”
A favorite among members of Narcotics Anonymous (NA), this refers to historic neuropathways that may be based on wounding and shame. When dysregulated and out in public, we may jump to the conclusion that a stranger’s look was one of negative judgement. That’s an old, inaccurate thought. Reacting to it reflexively may mean hiding or lashing out. If we can slow down, take a breath, and notice the thought, newer, more healed thoughts will reveal themselves. “Perhaps that look had nothing to do with me.”
“Progress, not perfection.”
Many, if not all, addicts want overnight success, and they fear failure, unconsciously or otherwise. The all-or-nothing, black-and-white addict thinking dictates that anything other than perfect is a failure, so I may as well just act out. The more healed parts of an addict can start to recognize progress, no matter how small, and have a kinder, gentler, and less drastic voice with themselves.
“This too shall pass.”
According to Harvard brain scientist Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, negative emotions pass within 90 seconds if we acknowledge them (rather than avoiding them). While it may be easier said than done, with meditation and mindfulness we can train the mind to become a compassionate observer of itself. In time, our minds will remind us that this difficult state is temporary.
“We are only as sick as our secrets.”
Attributed to author Stephen King, this quote speaks to the power of surrender. Keeping secrets is often a form of control that can get tiring, and they are intrinsically linked to unresolved shame. Surrendering to the truth, on the other hand, is freeing (“the truth will set you free”). In many ways, the 12 steps are a pursuit of self-truth. Truth dies in darkness. When we are ready to come into the light, we can be in our integrity and authenticity, and we don’t need to keep secrets.
“To keep it, I have to give it away.”
Being of service to others allows us to stay out of our heads. In our authenticity, we can be present and attune to another being’s needs. It could be a rescue animal that we tend to; children with whom we volunteer; or sponsees within a 12-step program. We get so much out of giving. The “keep it” part of the quotation refers to sobriety.
“Take what you like and leave the rest.”
Said at the close of most 12-step meetings, this perspective also runs counter to the all-or-nothing thinking of an addict. It is a mark of emotional intelligence to be able to separate truths from untruths, or to separate the art from the artist and benefit from it, rather than to throw the baby out with the bath water. It also counters the notion that 12-step programs may be cult-like: it is up to each individual participant to choose how much they resonate with the subject matter.
