Addiction
“The only way out is through.”
—John Bradshaw, Psychotherapist and bestselling author
Where there’s addiction, there’s trauma. Nobody becomes an addict, or develops compulsive behaviors, because it’s fun. No, it’s a disease of the nervous system: an unhealthy, nonconscious way of regulating the body’s response to difficult emotions.
An example of this would be an alcoholic who loudly exclaims, “I need a drink!” as they arrive at their hotel at the start of their vacation. Why do they need a drink? Probably because their nervous system has become dysregulated while adapting to a new environment, and alcohol is the way it has soothed itself for so long.
Like any disease, nobody chooses it: it chooses you. And you can choose to overcome it. It is usually a maladaptive, coping response to difficult historical experiences. It disconnects you from your authenticity and negatively impacts relationships. By addressing the trauma that led to addiction, you can overcome it. And you can go much further: you can understand yourself better than ever, and experience ease and joy that you never thought possible!
Understanding that you cannot think your way out of addiction, I use trauma tools such as Brainspotting to empower clients to access the emotional part of their brain that is driving compulsive behaviors. The goal is to both promote abstinence from these addictive behaviors and to heal the underlying trauma.
As well as substance addictions, I specialize in the following process, or behavioral, addictions:
Sex/Pornography
It’s not about the sex. Just as drug addiction is a way to cope with trauma, so sex addiction serves a purpose in covering something up – until it stops working. Unlike drug/alcohol addiction, the aim is not abstinence, because sex is a healthy and beautiful part of humanity. Instead, the aim is to abstain from behaviors that probably began as a response to trauma. This will create space in your body to heal and develop healthy sexuality. Pornography is especially harmful because it hijacks the relational component of arousal, negating the need for trust, mutuality and patience in place of instant gratification.
Love
Love addiction is the belief that meeting the right person will magically solve all your problems. It is the unconscious expression of attachment wounding: “little t” trauma experienced with one’s primary caregivers. You probably know that person is not good for you, yet you find yourself obsessing about being with them (or perhaps escaping from them). You cannot help it. Your behavior has gotten out of control, and you are trauma-bonded with your partner. The wounded, codependent parts of you are running the show. You have unintentionally recreated familiar relational dynamics with the unconscious hope that things will turn out differently this time. In short, you are trying to heal a childhood wound. It can only be healed through hard work and conscious awareness of the traumatic experiences that led you here. Recovery from love addiction means the ability to make intentional choices rather than be led compulsively. This means finding a partner who feels like a supporter or best friend, rather than an adversary.
Social Media/Technology
Used in moderation, social media offers a range of benefits, including community-building, sharing information, and staying connected with people who live afar. And social media’s currency, “likes”, can become a problem. Receiving likes means a hit of dopamine, and the addict brain always craves more dopamine. Soon, the need for likes and attention may become an obsession that you cannot stop. If you are experiencing the harmful effects of social media, know that it is very possible to overcome this addiction.
Video Games
There is nothing wrong per se with playing video games. However, if they are played obsessively, to “numb out” and avoid difficult emotions, you may be experiencing addiction. The fantasy element could appeal as well. To overcome this, we would gently look at what you are looking to escape from. And what might your life look like if you were able to be the person you want to be in the real world.
Workaholism
Unlike drug addiction, which most societies view negatively, workaholism is celebrated in the Western world. This is absurd, considering the similar effects that the two forms of addiction have on the brain. The root cause – trauma – is also similar, and the symptoms may look the same too: anxiety, impaired relationships, and neglect of self-care. In fact, neglect of everything other than your job. Admitting that work has become a problem is the first step towards transforming your life and reconnecting with what’s truly important to you.
You are not what you have done. If you are ready, and willing to take a risk, you can overcome addiction and live the life you deserve – more free, authentic, and lighter than before.